Wanted

How could I leave this face...?!

I was contacted for the first time in my life by a recruiter this week. It was so shocking to me I actually considered it. It was only a three month contract position that was right up my alley, but the idea of sticking my baby in a day care was so unappealing I changed my mind.

It is just so hard for me to be without a job, despite the fact I don't even want one. I still feel this crazy drive to work regardless. It's horrible. I even want to apply to crap retail jobs. I don't think it would be so bad if I were booking photo gigs.

At least if have some of my own money. But luckily my only other stay at home mom friend (who cheats and works nights as a nurse) reminded me that this time goes so fast. That I will never get these first five years back. That in the grand scheme of things, it is more important to be laying down the fundamental beginnings of my baby's life than making money. She already did it with her two boys so I have to trust her perspective.

I mean, just the other night we played so hard. I spent an hour kissing her tummy and tickling her, making her laugh uncontrollably. Lifting her in the air to the tune of her little squeals. Rolling around in the floor and playing with her toys. Seeing her smile at me with all the joy in the world. I would hate to be working weekends and missing that opportunity. Or being too tired after work to give her my full attention. Or for her to think that someone else was her primary provider and caretaker and not me.

It is so hard to be a mom. These are the kind of decisions that tear a woman apart.

But I think I will got back to grad school and get my MBA when she is 4 or 5. I think it will stack nicely on my communications degree. And I really don't see what choice I have. I can hardly reenter the work force with the degree I have only having never had a full time job in my field really. I also think I'd like to be a project manager now, too. I didn't really know jobs like that existed before entering the workforce or I might've taken that route directly. We'll see. It gives me something to look forward to on that front without requiring any immediate action. ;-)

Behind again...!

"Seriously mom? What else have you got to do?"

Wow! So of course, I got behind again! =(

I have a 5 month update to do (once I get those pictures on the computer, ha) but we've been a bit busy around these parts. Some of what's happened since I've been gone:

- We visited Ohio for a week and saw as much of my husband's family as possible. (Stay tuned for a full update and some adorable pics!)

- I got up to my full dose of Synthroid since my thyroid debacle at the beginning of August and I feel MUCH better! I'm about 100% I'd say. Still don't feel like working out though... ;-)

- I've started getting things together for my Etsy shop. Yay! :D I am desperate to make some extra cash since it's become extremely obvious to me that my husband and I have different money priorities and nothing will ever get purchased for the house if I'm not doing it.

- Miss Iz has started eating purees and wearing 9 month clothes. =') I cannot wait for her appointment in October so we can see how big she's gotten! I expect a hefty increase since I didn't realize she wasn't getting enough breastmilk at the time of her last appointment.

- On that note, we officially have stopped breastfeeding completely as of yesterday. =( I almost made it to six months. I feel like I did as well as I could considering the circumstances but it is somewhat depressing to know I had just a great routine only to have it completely undermined by my thyroid. I could've worked to re-lactate, it's true, but I was too disappointed and crushed to be in the right mindset about it.

I think that's the major things. I hope to get her five month update out tomorrow... =P

Happiness

Poor quality camera phone photos. ;-)

I didn't really think I would enjoy being a stay at home mom. My sense of self has been tightly interwoven with having a job and doing well ever since I landed my first one at 15. (I think my total time unemployed in the last ten years might equal six months, which could easily be made up by the times I had more than one job.) In fact, I frequently joke to people about how mind-numbingly boring being a stay at home mom is. But I'll let you in on a secret: that's not even remotely true.

Okay, I did have a difficult time adjusting at first. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it exactly, it was more than Miss Iz wasn't on a schedule of any sort so every day could be completely different and that was stressful to me. I couldn't really plan to do any particular thing because the whole thing might come crashing down on me in one ill-timed meltdown. But now that I know her, her moods, how frequently she needs to eat, when she might need to nap, and so on, I have a lot more freedom, and I honestly really like staying at home.

It helps that my husband doesn't have any particular expectation of how well-kept the house should be. Therefore, the fact that I rarely get to chores doesn't bother him and he still helps out around the house. I don't feel that responsibility crushing me and that is where I think a lot of dissatisfaction starts with stay at home moms - the inability to have their house in a constant state of perfection. (Honestly I guess I'm used to living in a constant state of imperfection. I really do need to start getting some of my house projects done during her naps, but they're still not exactly predictable enough for me to pull out a paint can and get cracking.)

I really just love being there for her. I know she couldn't possibly get as much attention in a day care as she does from me (although I still try to give her plenty of autonomous time because I think that's healthy for babies.) I love giving her a million kisses during the day, tickling her, making her break out into a huge grin, helping her roll over, helping her fall asleep by snuggling up close to her... I love that I get to see every little change in her development. I love that she knows that I am there for her no matter what - mommy will come to get her.

Obviously I sometimes get lonely and bored. But really, that's becoming more and more rare. I often run errands with her during the day when all the old people who want to have conversations about babies are out and about. ;-) And I've been actively trying to cultivate relationships with a few other moms I know in the area. (Hey, these are big steps for me, I'm actually rather anti-social!)

I just honestly cannot be more thankful that my husband has a great job to support us, that he trusts me enough in my parenting decisions to let me stay home with her, and that I actually gave this whole stay at home mom thing a shot. It's definitely not for everyone, but at this moment, it is definitely for me.

Four months!

Wow, this post is WAY overdue, but I definitely think this is my favorite baby age so far. Despite a few hiccups in her sleep and overall happiness which I attribute to my thyroid issues, this is such a cool month because she has started to really recognize the world around her.

She grabs for things she wants now and can easily flip from tummy to back. She's found her toes and just inserts as many as she can straight into her mouth. She squeals when she's happy and is super close to laughing. She has really started interacting with my husband and has a markedly different relationship with him than she does with me. Her grins are absolutely infectious and she shares them more easily than ever. Her bottom two teeth have broken through and she's showing more interest in food every day. She can almost sit up unassisted but she gets tired easily and wobbles a lot still.

And she's definitely a little ham. She knows when you're talking about her and wants you to constantly be talking to her. I try hard to get her to play alone a bit so she doesn't become too dependent on external entertainment but hey, it's difficult when she's your biggest source of entertainment too!

At her doctor's appointment this month she measured in at 25.5 inches and 13.11 pounds. She is definitely a little string bean. =) I can't believe how long she is, though. It makes baby wearing rather difficult.

It seems really strange to me that I have a four month old daughter. The pains of pregnancy are a distant memory and with the exception of my postpartum health issues (and the stretch marks, unfortunately), I almost can't believe my life was ever any other way. It simultaneously feels altogether different and completely the same. I thought I would have such a difficult time adjusting but being a stay at home mom comes so naturally to me and we were already more inclined to stay in than to party that it hardly feels like much has changed. Except that we have a little person to feed and bathe and love. I definitely feel like my life is whole now (even with my sometimes overwhelming desire for baby #2.)

Nostalgia

Now that my little girly is officially getting teeth I have been all tore up about her getting bigger. Clearly I am too sensitive to be a mom. ;-) But it's had me thinking about her birth and some little things which amused me that I hope to never forget...

When the doctor asked me "are you ready to have a baby?" as her introduction to the announcement that they were going to schedule my induction, I almost said "no!" Instead I just stared at her dumbfounded like, you want me to what? I guess I was so wrapped up in the pregnancy and my health complications and preparing for the baby that I just never spent any time thinking about actually, well, HAVING a baby. I don't know what I was expecting to happen at the end of those nine months, but suddenly I wasn't sure I would be able to raise a child. The implications were enormous.

All these people say "oh, I just can't wait to meet you and start learning all about you." I literally don't think I thought that once throughout my entire pregnancy. Though I think this will be all that occupies my mind if I'm lucky enough to have a second go at it. It will be so different knowing what to expect.

Also, I will never forget my husband's Facebook post as soon as she was born. It said, in all caps, "I'm a father!" Maybe it's just because I know my husband so intimately but there was something so poignant and sincere to me about that simple statement. Father has such a deep implication, far more deep than what being a dad does. Fathering is the act of being there, nurturing and fostering a little human. And maybe it has nothing to do with my husband at all but more to do with the fact that I have never truly considered my dad a "father," but either way I hope every day that he lives up to that simple statement.

And I remember how jealous I was that my husband was getting to see her as the nurse bathed her and checked her over and I lay there, getting poked and prodded and sewn up. It seems horribly unfair that the mother has to sit back and watch her new baby from afar. I trusted my husband to watch over the nurse's every movement, but of course I wanted to be there. It's weird how suddenly the maternal instinct takes over.

I remember being angry when my in-laws came in to see her before I even had a chance to really hold her. Of course they were excited, and with every right to be, but that was MY baby and I wanted to relax and hold her first, not field ridiculous questions from my 13 year old sister-in-law literally fifteen minutes after I had given birth as everyone else got to eye over my baby. (Next time, I will know to tell them to wait until we're moved out of labor and delivery.) I remember the overwhelming relief I felt when the nurse swiftly ushered everyone out only minutes after they got in. I don't even remember who she was or if she was even there for labor and delivery but I seriously think she should've received much more thanks than she got that day. =P

Sorry for such a rambling post, but I just had to get that out there.