Wanted

How could I leave this face...?!

I was contacted for the first time in my life by a recruiter this week. It was so shocking to me I actually considered it. It was only a three month contract position that was right up my alley, but the idea of sticking my baby in a day care was so unappealing I changed my mind.

It is just so hard for me to be without a job, despite the fact I don't even want one. I still feel this crazy drive to work regardless. It's horrible. I even want to apply to crap retail jobs. I don't think it would be so bad if I were booking photo gigs.

At least if have some of my own money. But luckily my only other stay at home mom friend (who cheats and works nights as a nurse) reminded me that this time goes so fast. That I will never get these first five years back. That in the grand scheme of things, it is more important to be laying down the fundamental beginnings of my baby's life than making money. She already did it with her two boys so I have to trust her perspective.

I mean, just the other night we played so hard. I spent an hour kissing her tummy and tickling her, making her laugh uncontrollably. Lifting her in the air to the tune of her little squeals. Rolling around in the floor and playing with her toys. Seeing her smile at me with all the joy in the world. I would hate to be working weekends and missing that opportunity. Or being too tired after work to give her my full attention. Or for her to think that someone else was her primary provider and caretaker and not me.

It is so hard to be a mom. These are the kind of decisions that tear a woman apart.

But I think I will got back to grad school and get my MBA when she is 4 or 5. I think it will stack nicely on my communications degree. And I really don't see what choice I have. I can hardly reenter the work force with the degree I have only having never had a full time job in my field really. I also think I'd like to be a project manager now, too. I didn't really know jobs like that existed before entering the workforce or I might've taken that route directly. We'll see. It gives me something to look forward to on that front without requiring any immediate action. ;-)

Happiness

Poor quality camera phone photos. ;-)

I didn't really think I would enjoy being a stay at home mom. My sense of self has been tightly interwoven with having a job and doing well ever since I landed my first one at 15. (I think my total time unemployed in the last ten years might equal six months, which could easily be made up by the times I had more than one job.) In fact, I frequently joke to people about how mind-numbingly boring being a stay at home mom is. But I'll let you in on a secret: that's not even remotely true.

Okay, I did have a difficult time adjusting at first. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it exactly, it was more than Miss Iz wasn't on a schedule of any sort so every day could be completely different and that was stressful to me. I couldn't really plan to do any particular thing because the whole thing might come crashing down on me in one ill-timed meltdown. But now that I know her, her moods, how frequently she needs to eat, when she might need to nap, and so on, I have a lot more freedom, and I honestly really like staying at home.

It helps that my husband doesn't have any particular expectation of how well-kept the house should be. Therefore, the fact that I rarely get to chores doesn't bother him and he still helps out around the house. I don't feel that responsibility crushing me and that is where I think a lot of dissatisfaction starts with stay at home moms - the inability to have their house in a constant state of perfection. (Honestly I guess I'm used to living in a constant state of imperfection. I really do need to start getting some of my house projects done during her naps, but they're still not exactly predictable enough for me to pull out a paint can and get cracking.)

I really just love being there for her. I know she couldn't possibly get as much attention in a day care as she does from me (although I still try to give her plenty of autonomous time because I think that's healthy for babies.) I love giving her a million kisses during the day, tickling her, making her break out into a huge grin, helping her roll over, helping her fall asleep by snuggling up close to her... I love that I get to see every little change in her development. I love that she knows that I am there for her no matter what - mommy will come to get her.

Obviously I sometimes get lonely and bored. But really, that's becoming more and more rare. I often run errands with her during the day when all the old people who want to have conversations about babies are out and about. ;-) And I've been actively trying to cultivate relationships with a few other moms I know in the area. (Hey, these are big steps for me, I'm actually rather anti-social!)

I just honestly cannot be more thankful that my husband has a great job to support us, that he trusts me enough in my parenting decisions to let me stay home with her, and that I actually gave this whole stay at home mom thing a shot. It's definitely not for everyone, but at this moment, it is definitely for me.

Babies are Selfish

The title about says it all: babies are selfish.

It isn't that they want to be selfish little time-consuming black holes, it is simply the nature of the beast. They're trying to figure out everything about the world. They can't do a single thing for themselves and everything they do figure out confuses them. They need so much help.

That said, being a stay at home mom is the hands down hardest thing I've ever done. Like all humans, deep down I am still a selfish baby too. My wants and needs are confusing and I need someone to help me too sometimes.

I had these grandiose ideas of what being a stay at home mom looked like: a baby snoozing comfortably nearby while I banged out a novel, a sparkling clean house where you could eat off the floor, baby and I snuggled up together napping peacefully on the couch, a smiling and cooing fount of wonder gently playing with her toys, and so on and so forth.

The reality is a lonely, exhausting, spit-stained existence of trying desperately to heat up something to eat before she realizes you're out of the room and starts screaming. This after a long debate about whether or not you should ignore the hunger pains and just take a nap while you can but you then remind yourself for the hundredth time that you're breastfeeding and if you don't eat neither can your baby.

Working mom's are lucky in that they don't have to deal with 24 hours of this drudgery. They can get out of the house, socialize with people, make a contribution somewhere...

The most socialization I'm guaranteed at least once during the week is a grocery store packed with old people. And I have to rush through, desperately trying to get out in under an hour. Even if I do go to lunch with a friend, my topics of tantalizing conversation have dropped to about one - the shit my husband's doing at work.

But even though I won't be able to put it on my LinkedIn profile, I hope one day I'll be able to say I made a contribution too, if only towards the growth and development of one individual.

So every day I remind myself to stick it out. To put my selfishness aside and focus on her. For the little smiles she doles out, the times she coos at me softly, and when she stares into my eyes and I tell her that her momma will always be there for her.

For the benefit of this one little person.

The Beginning

Two months and three days ago my life changed forever when my daughter entered the world in nine pounds, three ounces of screaming, beautiful perfection.

I spent months preparing for her - painting her nursery, setting up her furniture, purchasing outrageous quantities of diapers, washing tons of tiny dresses and socks, and imaging how much I would get done after I quit my job.

Well, most of the preparations paid off, but I could not anticipate just how much of my time such a little creature would take up! Many people tried to warn me, but in my naive over-confidence I didn't believe them. You would think at some point it would have occurred to me that many people pay good money for someone to watch their children for nine hours and that if it was sooo easy to take care of a baby we'd just bring them to work!

But in an effort to keep myself motivated and sane, I decided to start this blog. I will share the trials and tribulations of being a stay at home mom; my crafts and photography; book, movie, and TV show reviews (assuming I ever have time to read again!); my house remodeling projects; and anything else that's on my mind. =)