Nostalgia

Now that my little girly is officially getting teeth I have been all tore up about her getting bigger. Clearly I am too sensitive to be a mom. ;-) But it's had me thinking about her birth and some little things which amused me that I hope to never forget...

When the doctor asked me "are you ready to have a baby?" as her introduction to the announcement that they were going to schedule my induction, I almost said "no!" Instead I just stared at her dumbfounded like, you want me to what? I guess I was so wrapped up in the pregnancy and my health complications and preparing for the baby that I just never spent any time thinking about actually, well, HAVING a baby. I don't know what I was expecting to happen at the end of those nine months, but suddenly I wasn't sure I would be able to raise a child. The implications were enormous.

All these people say "oh, I just can't wait to meet you and start learning all about you." I literally don't think I thought that once throughout my entire pregnancy. Though I think this will be all that occupies my mind if I'm lucky enough to have a second go at it. It will be so different knowing what to expect.

Also, I will never forget my husband's Facebook post as soon as she was born. It said, in all caps, "I'm a father!" Maybe it's just because I know my husband so intimately but there was something so poignant and sincere to me about that simple statement. Father has such a deep implication, far more deep than what being a dad does. Fathering is the act of being there, nurturing and fostering a little human. And maybe it has nothing to do with my husband at all but more to do with the fact that I have never truly considered my dad a "father," but either way I hope every day that he lives up to that simple statement.

And I remember how jealous I was that my husband was getting to see her as the nurse bathed her and checked her over and I lay there, getting poked and prodded and sewn up. It seems horribly unfair that the mother has to sit back and watch her new baby from afar. I trusted my husband to watch over the nurse's every movement, but of course I wanted to be there. It's weird how suddenly the maternal instinct takes over.

I remember being angry when my in-laws came in to see her before I even had a chance to really hold her. Of course they were excited, and with every right to be, but that was MY baby and I wanted to relax and hold her first, not field ridiculous questions from my 13 year old sister-in-law literally fifteen minutes after I had given birth as everyone else got to eye over my baby. (Next time, I will know to tell them to wait until we're moved out of labor and delivery.) I remember the overwhelming relief I felt when the nurse swiftly ushered everyone out only minutes after they got in. I don't even remember who she was or if she was even there for labor and delivery but I seriously think she should've received much more thanks than she got that day. =P

Sorry for such a rambling post, but I just had to get that out there.

A Promise to my Daughter

(And any future daughter-in-laws or stepdaughters I may have.)

One day of course I imagine I’m going to have the opportunity to be a grandparent. But I’m not going to harass you about it. If you don’t want kids, okay, for a long time I didn’t. If you struggle to conceive, okay, I did too. If you adopt, okay, I would love to adopt one day. I will support you whatever you decide.

But that’s neither here nor there. Most importantly, no matter how excited I am, I will let you dictate the terms of my involvement. If you don’t want me at the hospital for l&d, that’s okay, I’ll suck it up and stay away. If (god forbid) you want me in there with you, I’ll suck it up and stay by your side. If you need me to plan a shower, buy a car seat, lend a shoulder to cry on, fly in from out of town, bring you dinner for a month, or just support your medication decisions, I’ll do whatever you need me to do. Even if that means doing nothing and giving you your space.

Pregnancy is messy. It’s hard. It’s disgusting. It rips away your self confidence and fills your heart with wonder. The things I wanted and needed during my pregnancy may not be the things you need. I can offer advice but I can’t tell you what you want. That, you have to tell me. And I promise to listen, no matter what you may think I want, because the thing I want most is for you to be happy.