Nostalgia

Now that my little girly is officially getting teeth I have been all tore up about her getting bigger. Clearly I am too sensitive to be a mom. ;-) But it's had me thinking about her birth and some little things which amused me that I hope to never forget...

When the doctor asked me "are you ready to have a baby?" as her introduction to the announcement that they were going to schedule my induction, I almost said "no!" Instead I just stared at her dumbfounded like, you want me to what? I guess I was so wrapped up in the pregnancy and my health complications and preparing for the baby that I just never spent any time thinking about actually, well, HAVING a baby. I don't know what I was expecting to happen at the end of those nine months, but suddenly I wasn't sure I would be able to raise a child. The implications were enormous.

All these people say "oh, I just can't wait to meet you and start learning all about you." I literally don't think I thought that once throughout my entire pregnancy. Though I think this will be all that occupies my mind if I'm lucky enough to have a second go at it. It will be so different knowing what to expect.

Also, I will never forget my husband's Facebook post as soon as she was born. It said, in all caps, "I'm a father!" Maybe it's just because I know my husband so intimately but there was something so poignant and sincere to me about that simple statement. Father has such a deep implication, far more deep than what being a dad does. Fathering is the act of being there, nurturing and fostering a little human. And maybe it has nothing to do with my husband at all but more to do with the fact that I have never truly considered my dad a "father," but either way I hope every day that he lives up to that simple statement.

And I remember how jealous I was that my husband was getting to see her as the nurse bathed her and checked her over and I lay there, getting poked and prodded and sewn up. It seems horribly unfair that the mother has to sit back and watch her new baby from afar. I trusted my husband to watch over the nurse's every movement, but of course I wanted to be there. It's weird how suddenly the maternal instinct takes over.

I remember being angry when my in-laws came in to see her before I even had a chance to really hold her. Of course they were excited, and with every right to be, but that was MY baby and I wanted to relax and hold her first, not field ridiculous questions from my 13 year old sister-in-law literally fifteen minutes after I had given birth as everyone else got to eye over my baby. (Next time, I will know to tell them to wait until we're moved out of labor and delivery.) I remember the overwhelming relief I felt when the nurse swiftly ushered everyone out only minutes after they got in. I don't even remember who she was or if she was even there for labor and delivery but I seriously think she should've received much more thanks than she got that day. =P

Sorry for such a rambling post, but I just had to get that out there.